Corporate jargon-busting or -boosting?

Well,

On a recent trip to the US I savoured the great weather and wonderful positive, energetic attitude of the people I met. As with every trip, I found myself getting lifted up and carried away with the up-beat and can-do atmosphere I came across, be it in a conference hall or the boardwalk – sure I even did a high-five and a wink to the postman this morning. (Got to get over this quick….)

On this trip, I was surprised at just how much corporate jargon has now filtered into everyday use – you don’t have to be in the boardroom now to have a disconnect (inconsistency or problem) or to get your ducks in a row. The bloc party we went to even had me step up to the plate to have the floor and reach out to the neighbours.

Indeed, when planning the bloc party, a few of us had a pre-meeting ahead of the official organisers’ meeting to frantically decide what we could say that would make us sound useful and organised. (Apparently pre-meetings are used by corporate slackers to get their stories straight before reporting to their bosses later in the boardroom.)

Then our organising had to get technical – we had to connect ear-to-ear (speak on the phone) for days to ensure we could action our efforts (the actual verb to take action seems to have disappeared altogether). I of course made sure that I completed my To-dos ALAP (As Late as Possible, so as not to get any more jobs to do).

The meeting was F2F (face-to-face) and went well, even if we did have an armchair general (someone who speaks critically but has no real experience in the field in question) bossing everyone around.  I would have given the lady in question  a Lindsay Lohan ankle bracelet if I had one (a temporary accessory given to employees who talk too much in meetings). However, once the meeting was over I got really amped (excited) about the party and needless to say, it was a real slam dunk (total success).

So I hope to get a little from you readers on this one. I’m sure you’ve encountered your own corporate jargon being used in the suburbs – any good ones to share? Here are a few I came across (see www.theofficelife.com ) that I liked and dare I say it, might use:

Al Desco - Describes any meal eaten at your desk…”I slept in so I’m having breakfast Al Desco.”

Deceptionist - A receptionist whose job is actually to delay or block potential visitors. Ruthless with a polite, perfect smile.

I’m down with that bro’ – Technically this comes from the music scene but it’s becoming part of everyday use here in Donegal. It means, “I agree with that”.

Joakim Noah of Chicago Bulls photographed by Liam Sweeney on assignment for Chicago Tribune.

Splitting hairs (Poor communication is worse than no communication)

Well,

I was all set to write a mildly interesting piece on headlines and work stuff when I realised I had to write about my weekend of miss-communications – it’ll be cathartic for me, bear with me please.

So, I was off to a party down the country, aka anywhere south of here, and I was all geared up for a long-awaited break. And so it began…the 40th birthday party was a blast.

The next day the guys went to check out local horses, donkeys and other farm related stuff, while myself and the ladies do what ladies do – coffee, shopping and beauty (a matter of opinion when you see the results).

My caring friend booked me into Hair-raising Adventures for a trim (I’ve changed the names to protect identities). I hate hairdressers with a passion; I always hate the result and I always hate the experience. Uncharacteristically, I agreed, since the cutter in question had done such a good job the night before on my friend’s hair. What a mistake.

I just wanted a little movie star magic on my weekend away….“Ah we couldn’t give ye layers ‘cos ye couldn’t manage it.” (Thanks for the vote of confidence – am I obvously that bad at my own hair?) “Let’s make it all choppy, choppy, choppy. Yis, that would be lurfly, really nice on ye.” The cutter sounded so confident, in control and enthusiastic that I got swept away….finally a hairdresser who knows what to do with me. She chopped and chopped to a constant chat of fun and interesting stories….I couldn’t get a word in edgeways and felt great….Take me in hand and make me beautiful!

Well, I should have seen the warning signs when she suggested I get a Caramel colour streaked into my black hair….hmmmm.

By the time she came up for air, I looked just like Freddie Mercury in Bohemian Rapsody. Or, as my husband helpfully added, the Irish Rugby hooker Shane Byrne who sports a beautiful ‘80s mullet. Yikes.

So after whinging, sniggering and a lot of smoothies and chocolate, myself and the girls decided the only next step was to shop. Bad idea.

You have to understand that weddings are a huge, integral part of the local social scene. Each boutique writes down the date and location of the wedding you’re attending in case another customer should buy the same outfit for the same wedding.

Well Fiona the sales assistant assisted and assisted. What started out as browsing sale items rapidly (and unbeknown to us) turned into trying on this season’s top gear. It was like we were all old friends having a sleepover and trying on our big sister’s clothes with one cold exception – Fiona was part of a different gang with a very different agenda. She was so good that we forgot we needed to know anything about the price….my poor friend Nuala nearly collapsed at the cash register when her new best friend Fiona kindly told her she’d give her €85 off the price. Gulp! The total was only €800. The colour and smile faded from Nuala’s face as she handed over her credit card…. We all smiled happily out the door however, to the sound of wicked Fiona’s cackles. “Come back soon and bring your friends!” she called after us with callous affection.

Of course, Nuala can always bring the outfit back saying her husband didn’t like it or, the ultimate excuse, that someone else already had it for the wedding. However, Fiona will know the real truth and I’m sure it’ll slip out. Ouch.

You’ll be pleased to hear that we redeemed ourselves. That night we had great communication skills with the local barman and even better communication by omission with our husbands – what they don’t know won’t harm them. What goes on tour stays on tour etc.

So please, know what you want to achieve before engaging your target audience, listen to feedback and say what you mean clearly – worry about not being boring after that. Otherwise you could be in for a scary 1980s reincarnation with a whopping credit card bill.

(No photos this time as I wouldn’t give you the pleasure of seeing my hair and of course, my husband is the photographer so he’s out of bounds for this one.)