Ireland’s Ode to Ajai Chopra at The IMF

Where to look? Where to hide?

Is there no debt relief on this roller coaster ride?

It was fun while it lasted, it has to be said,

An intoxicating garden path, we were willing to be led.

Another round barman the champagne’s on tap,

A five-star hotel and a dancer on the lap.

It’s true that a mink can not be understated

And a private helicopter is never overrated.

Got the hair, make-up, nails and clobber to beat the band

An easy few cards will win the next hand.

But when you think of it, that life was never our bed,

We Irish are much more at home doing guilt, hardship and dread.

Go ahead, take away that happiness, energy and fun

I don’t want that auld hummer anymore, I’m done.

And take the villa in Spain and the yacht while you’re at it,

I never did take to that posh sailing racket.

You can keep your designer rugs, clothes and shoes,

My good old Aran sweater is the best thing to choose.

I must now look for the light, a God or the Dalai-lama

Since it looks like my baby’s first word will be Nama not Mama.

The economics of this is enough to befuddle

Oh please Ajai Chopra, give us a cuddle.

But whatever I have, take it all I don’t care

We’ll live off our wits, watch if you dare.

I wrote this little piece as a nod to the excellent Joseph O’Connor, who writes so wonderfully and has a great column on RTE Radio 1′s Drive Time every Wednesday.

Corporate jargon-busting or -boosting?

Well,

On a recent trip to the US I savoured the great weather and wonderful positive, energetic attitude of the people I met. As with every trip, I found myself getting lifted up and carried away with the up-beat and can-do atmosphere I came across, be it in a conference hall or the boardwalk – sure I even did a high-five and a wink to the postman this morning. (Got to get over this quick….)

On this trip, I was surprised at just how much corporate jargon has now filtered into everyday use – you don’t have to be in the boardroom now to have a disconnect (inconsistency or problem) or to get your ducks in a row. The bloc party we went to even had me step up to the plate to have the floor and reach out to the neighbours.

Indeed, when planning the bloc party, a few of us had a pre-meeting ahead of the official organisers’ meeting to frantically decide what we could say that would make us sound useful and organised. (Apparently pre-meetings are used by corporate slackers to get their stories straight before reporting to their bosses later in the boardroom.)

Then our organising had to get technical – we had to connect ear-to-ear (speak on the phone) for days to ensure we could action our efforts (the actual verb to take action seems to have disappeared altogether). I of course made sure that I completed my To-dos ALAP (As Late as Possible, so as not to get any more jobs to do).

The meeting was F2F (face-to-face) and went well, even if we did have an armchair general (someone who speaks critically but has no real experience in the field in question) bossing everyone around.  I would have given the lady in question  a Lindsay Lohan ankle bracelet if I had one (a temporary accessory given to employees who talk too much in meetings). However, once the meeting was over I got really amped (excited) about the party and needless to say, it was a real slam dunk (total success).

So I hope to get a little from you readers on this one. I’m sure you’ve encountered your own corporate jargon being used in the suburbs – any good ones to share? Here are a few I came across (see www.theofficelife.com ) that I liked and dare I say it, might use:

Al Desco - Describes any meal eaten at your desk…”I slept in so I’m having breakfast Al Desco.”

Deceptionist - A receptionist whose job is actually to delay or block potential visitors. Ruthless with a polite, perfect smile.

I’m down with that bro’ – Technically this comes from the music scene but it’s becoming part of everyday use here in Donegal. It means, “I agree with that”.

Joakim Noah of Chicago Bulls photographed by Liam Sweeney on assignment for Chicago Tribune.

Splitting hairs (Poor communication is worse than no communication)

Well,

I was all set to write a mildly interesting piece on headlines and work stuff when I realised I had to write about my weekend of miss-communications – it’ll be cathartic for me, bear with me please.

So, I was off to a party down the country, aka anywhere south of here, and I was all geared up for a long-awaited break. And so it began…the 40th birthday party was a blast.

The next day the guys went to check out local horses, donkeys and other farm related stuff, while myself and the ladies do what ladies do – coffee, shopping and beauty (a matter of opinion when you see the results).

My caring friend booked me into Hair-raising Adventures for a trim (I’ve changed the names to protect identities). I hate hairdressers with a passion; I always hate the result and I always hate the experience. Uncharacteristically, I agreed, since the cutter in question had done such a good job the night before on my friend’s hair. What a mistake.

I just wanted a little movie star magic on my weekend away….“Ah we couldn’t give ye layers ‘cos ye couldn’t manage it.” (Thanks for the vote of confidence – am I obvously that bad at my own hair?) “Let’s make it all choppy, choppy, choppy. Yis, that would be lurfly, really nice on ye.” The cutter sounded so confident, in control and enthusiastic that I got swept away….finally a hairdresser who knows what to do with me. She chopped and chopped to a constant chat of fun and interesting stories….I couldn’t get a word in edgeways and felt great….Take me in hand and make me beautiful!

Well, I should have seen the warning signs when she suggested I get a Caramel colour streaked into my black hair….hmmmm.

By the time she came up for air, I looked just like Freddie Mercury in Bohemian Rapsody. Or, as my husband helpfully added, the Irish Rugby hooker Shane Byrne who sports a beautiful ‘80s mullet. Yikes.

So after whinging, sniggering and a lot of smoothies and chocolate, myself and the girls decided the only next step was to shop. Bad idea.

You have to understand that weddings are a huge, integral part of the local social scene. Each boutique writes down the date and location of the wedding you’re attending in case another customer should buy the same outfit for the same wedding.

Well Fiona the sales assistant assisted and assisted. What started out as browsing sale items rapidly (and unbeknown to us) turned into trying on this season’s top gear. It was like we were all old friends having a sleepover and trying on our big sister’s clothes with one cold exception – Fiona was part of a different gang with a very different agenda. She was so good that we forgot we needed to know anything about the price….my poor friend Nuala nearly collapsed at the cash register when her new best friend Fiona kindly told her she’d give her €85 off the price. Gulp! The total was only €800. The colour and smile faded from Nuala’s face as she handed over her credit card…. We all smiled happily out the door however, to the sound of wicked Fiona’s cackles. “Come back soon and bring your friends!” she called after us with callous affection.

Of course, Nuala can always bring the outfit back saying her husband didn’t like it or, the ultimate excuse, that someone else already had it for the wedding. However, Fiona will know the real truth and I’m sure it’ll slip out. Ouch.

You’ll be pleased to hear that we redeemed ourselves. That night we had great communication skills with the local barman and even better communication by omission with our husbands – what they don’t know won’t harm them. What goes on tour stays on tour etc.

So please, know what you want to achieve before engaging your target audience, listen to feedback and say what you mean clearly – worry about not being boring after that. Otherwise you could be in for a scary 1980s reincarnation with a whopping credit card bill.

(No photos this time as I wouldn’t give you the pleasure of seeing my hair and of course, my husband is the photographer so he’s out of bounds for this one.)

Common punctuation pitfalls

Punctuation is a tool to help, not hinder, good writing

Well,

As I sit here looking out at the orange sun melting into the middle of Sheephaven Bay, you’d think I’d have better things to think about than punctuation. But alas! My walk was hampered by a dodgy little sign which read: “No trespassing without owners permission.” A double wammy. (Photo attached)

It brought me back to the episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, where Larry David visits his mother’s gravestone only to discover that his father had it engraved “…Mother, past away on…” (Apparently he paid by the letter so “passed” would have blown the budget.)

Anyway, good punctuation is free. It’s also there to help. So here are a few common pitfalls that catch out many people time and again. You have been warned…

Exclamation marks!
Overuse of exclamation marks is a pet hate of mine. I think it’s down to laziness – the writer thinks by including one or more exclamation marks the reader will figure out what the writer is really trying to say. Let me tell you, she won’t – and her eyes will be the worse for wear afterwards.

Exclamation marks should be used sparingly. Use one to mark an exclamatory word, phrase or sentence: What a fabulous article!
Use one to express irony, surprise and dissention: Imagine the web without copywriters!
Also, use one after a command: Ready, steady, write!

Its and it’s
People commonly make a mistake when writing its and it’s. The reason it’s confusing is that it seems to be at odds with the usual use of the apostrophe. There’s no other way than commit it to memory. If you always get it wrong, then always write “it is” out in full instead of using the abbreviation and never write its with an apostrophe and you’ll be right.

Its = this is a possessive. Eg The hen lost its way back to the hen house.
It’s = this is to designate that a letter has been left out (in this case the “i” in “is”). Eg It’s a sunny day.

Commas v full stops (periods)
It costs nothing to use a full stop. They are free. Yet so many people are afraid to use them for fear of actually writing clearly. Instead, many insist on joining two separate sentences with a comma. Oh please don’t fudge it.

For example:
Julie attended the meeting, she told writers that Patricia couldn’t make it. These are two sentences. They must be separated by either a semicolon or a full stop. Julie attended the meeting. She told writers that Patricia couldn’t make it.

Or, turn the words into a complete sentence: When Julie went to the meeting, she told writers that Patricia couldn’t make it.

If in doubt about a comma or a full stop, use a full stop. Period.

Your and You’re
This is blunder is so common that probably bugs even the least literary-minded mathematicians. It’s really quite simple: you’re (you are) and your (possessive). Example: You’re going to be late. This is your coat.

If you have found any similar blunders on signage or in headlines, please share. For more examples visit the BBC’s website: http://bit.ly/9XWmjm
And for further (light) reading on the subject have a look at www.nationalpunctuationday.com

Questionable copywriting on Donegal sign

5 quick writing tips for better content

The name of the online game is Content. Good content is the primary factor driving traffic to your website – it will help you move up in the Google search rankings, encourage other sites to link to you, make or break you in social media and persuade prospects to buy from you.

It’s a lot like my offline life here in Donegal. I have to encourage friends to visit me  in Donegal in much the same way as I drive traffic to my website for work. If I expect my bedraggled city-living friends to drive four hours on bad roads then there better be some enticing trip content to persuade them to make the effort.

So here are a few quick writing tips on the basics of how to make your content work for you.

1. This is not about you, it’s about them.

Provide knowledge and information that your audience will find valuable and want to share. Don’t babble on about yourself. Selling by recommendation has never been so crucial and yet so easy.

(Each friend needs something different to make their visit fabulous – I unleash a 3 mile beach on the pale city office worker; the tired new mum gets demolished with licks from our labrador and a night of wit and charm from the old guys in the Glen Bar; and anyone from a hot climate gets a turf fire, a hot whiskey and a chat from old Uncle James. That’ll get them talking.)

2. Brevity is the soul of lingerie – Dorothy Parker.

Whatever it is, keep it short, concise and effective. Do not waffle – unlike me and this blog.
(I never let a guest over-stay to the point where the novelty wears off…got to keep an air of mystery about life here…)
3. Eye-catching headlines

You have to grab the attention of a reader in split seconds or your great body content is irrelevant. Take time to think of short, irresistible headings.
(Mouth-watering Sunsets, Homemade Guiness Bread For All, How to Breathe in the Atlantic.)

4. Write with passion.

You’re passionate about your business so show it. Your enthusiasm will be infectious. Think about your tone, style and language and use them to write clear, effective copy.
(Thankfully, Co Donegal has breathtaking scenery and amazing, funny people – very persuasive content and defintely passion inducing.)

5. Give something away for free.

In my case it is a home-baked scone or a tasty grass fed locally produced steak on the bbq. In your case, it could be a free product sample, a discount voucher, some research, a report copy – whatever will attract your prospects to want more. Put the offer on your website, announce it on Twitter, blog about it, pass it on through Facebook.

Free and irresistible home-baked scone.

A cock and bull story

Well,

Since this is my first blog entry and I’m into language in a professional way, I thought I’d start off with a good old fashioned salutation from Newry, my home town. Mind you “Well!”, as a greeting, is usually spoken in a high-pitched squeal and elongated so that it rings in the ears of those being greeted for at least two minutes: “Weeeeeeellllll!” For you this is optional, but the greeting is normally accompanied by a bear hug and a squeeze.

I thought I’d write about interesting aspects of language, branding and marketing communications as I find them living here in beautiful Donegal on the North West coast of Ireland. But don’t panic….’ll try to make it vaguely interesting and throw in some schoolwork for the nerdy language types too.

Let me give you some perspective. As I write, I’m face-to-face with a creamy coloured (a technical term I’m sure) Charolais bull named Seamus. (Photo attached.) Yes, my office windowsill is in his living room and we’re petrified of each other. But you have to take your inspiration from somewhere.

On the window to my left, is the hen house. Five lovely chickens and one rooster with attitude fill that space. Don’t get me wrong, the eggs are great; it’s the five am wake-up call I have issue with.

So what sort of cock and bull story is this? According to the good old Oxford English Dictionary, it is “a ridiculous and implausible story”. Hmmm.

There are various theories as to the phrase’s origin:

• It’s from the village of Stony Stratford in England which was an important stopping-off point on a busy route in the coaching era of the 18th and 19th centuries. Apparently there were, and are, two ale houses – The Cock and The Bull – where travellers used to refresh themselves with incredulous yarns and banter.
• It’s linked to old tales of magical animals who could talk.  The most common idol of the ancient Phoenicians, Persians and Indians was Nergal – a dunghill cock. Osirs, the bull, was a notorious Egyptian idol. So the phrase references the ancient myths and fables of Osirs and Nergal.
• It derrives from a ‘concocted and bully story’ which refers to pennies hawked on the street (cocks) and ‘bully’, from the Danish ‘bullen’ which means exaggerated.

So there you have it. See www.phrases.org.uk and www.websters-online-org for more.

Seamus